I've begun a certain endeavor, of which this blog is now a tool.
Wish me luck.

It's pathetic how we can't live with the things we can't understand. How we need everything labeled and explained and deconstructed. -Choke

"Why remember it literally when you can remember how it felt?"

new ulm, mn

Fun movie.

Watched this last night.

Mitchell is probably the cutest high freshman boy, ever.

Those puppy dog brown eyes, and shy smirk.

Aw.

"You cool, man?"

Finally got a hair cut today, hadn't gotten one since august or september.
A trim, rather, but a much, much needed one at that.

All I can do, all I can do..

This photograph of the cellist Pablo Casals by Yousuf Karsh struck a particular cord with me,

it's magnificent.

Today is the class art trip to Chicago.

Camera charged, book in bag.

I am ready.

Since 15, 8 have happened
and there are 37.

and now 1 more

seemingly 10

but not

I think , "It must be up."

But no, I am wrong

1 is deceitful

1/5 2/5

3 remaining and left

almost half and my grasp is slack

and HFJ weakened

(but not sapped)

31

overkill overkill

overkill

we've now killed 4 with less leftover than before

to be exact 24

today is different,

you sit

not pacing, pounding, crying but coughing

closed faced and backwards

leaning

21

are you tired too? sick? dying?

20

the air is plenty (but oxygen sparse)

19 and plump is gaunt and gaunt is passed

what makes you and i...

return to topic, 17

are we of one of everything

one over the other to reduce redefine?

almost 9

only 5 until, 7 suffered

and died

but not I

1 has passed and quick'nings digress

and 12 is now

with but 11 one less one less

2 now 3, 7

this cannot be believed

should not be believed

for now 6 exist

for She is varying

from one second to the next

millisecond passed

what is knowledge what is knowledge

what is truth what is truth

for what was 6 is now 5

almost 4

never the same as the minute before

3 you deceive! what is not me my mind not be what can this be?

all scatter scream to facts they cling

for nothing is above what we can think

are You a Fool? the time is 2 and we're defined by what we do

and if we cannot comprehend then it's a lie made up by men

1

do I dare speak?

utter

compliance

and knowledge, is truth

and truth is not defined

by what we find, or sight, or time

truth is this, and truth is done

truth is this, remaining one.

Apple, fall a ways away from the tree. Please.

My current view:

be jealous, he's adorable.

anyways

I don't care if 'quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit'

or whatever it is he -- /Oscar Wilde-- said.

although I do adore his writing.

I smirk when people quote it, that 'quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.'

5.
Usually, wits.
a. powers of intelligent observation, keen perception, ingenious contrivance, or the like; mental acuity, composure, and resourcefulness: using one's wits to get ahead.

Saying they lack it momentarily (or constantly?)

hahaha.

There are also those that are critics and are critical about quoting,

believing you should make your own quotes to live by.

But I don't care.

Quotes are serviceable.

Lee Strobel, I am endlessly ecstatic about reading your book The Case for Christ.

C.S. Lewis, Thank You for being such a genius:

"If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning."

I love this girl.

Today it reached above 50. It was so incredibly gorgeous.

Lauren and I took pictures, and they turned out beautiful.

I'll post them later, when it's not 1:30AM.

In case you want a peek, here's my flickr: www.flickr.com/photos/dearjaclyn

I just got home from Bandfest this afternoon/early evening. Tiffany. Tanya. Truly lovely gals. Lovely, lovely.

My 50mm f/1.8 canon lens came in the mail earlier this week... I am HAPPY! and oh so excited.

Today was extremely beautiful outside. Sunny, not below freezing.. It was great. And tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful as WELL! Ah, the weather makes or breaks my day. Yes, yes. So. Tomorrow. Photoshoot w/ Lauren. I am so, so excited to shoot somebody again, especially Lauren, my original, my guinea pig, my little lady. She recently cut almost all her hair off, so I'm really excited to shoot her with some different hair.

Jesse showed me a gorgeous place for photographing. It has water, piers, trees, open areas, red plants, a bulldozer at the moment.. ha. It's great, it really is.

Then I told him, "You show me things I never thought existed." And we giggled.

But it's true.

I don't even like black and white.

I actually semi-loathe it half of the time.

Spending the night with you is a dream.
It's perfect.

Today was beautiful.

The snow and ice melted,

the water moved.

I've been so up and down,

all over everywhere.

I'm waiting for it to stop.

I'm waiting for things to be normal again.

As normal as they ever were.

---

Oh, and I finished Choke.

There won't always be "happy" endings,

things won't end up "perfect,"

but that's okay.

It's okay.

"That's the way it goes some days, a fever comes at you without a warning. and i can see it in your face, you've been waiting to break since you woke up this morning. Mr. Blue, don't hold your head so low that you can't see the sky."

currently reading: Choke by Chuck Palahniuk.
so good.

Things do not pass for what they are, but for what they seem.
Most things are judged by their jackets.

-Baltasar Gracian

I photograph, I document. I wish to document much more that I have in the past. Nostalgia is something I enjoy very much. But when I look back on old photos, I'm always disappointed. There are tons of friends, family, people I hardly even know (yet I get all nostalgic thinking about..) and yet, photos that include myself are sparse. This is mainly because I'm the one taking the pictures, but it's also because I can become uncomfortable in front of a camera as opposed to behind it. Behind a camera is my comfort zone, but in front I feel analyzed. I wish I were as comfortable in front, but I'm not. Nevertheless I love it when people take my picture, because there's always the chance that it will turn out, and be our token photograph of "that one time when..." and we'll smile and reminisce. But this is rarely the case, and I wish for this to change. So I beg of you, if we hang out, I undoubtedly will have my camera out and most likely taking pictures at some point, so when I set it down, take it up, let it be YOUR turn to take a few pictures. But don't make it all awkward when you do, please. But do, do just snap away, don't even think about it. I wholly adore candidness. I will be so grateful that you did.

My day consisted of driving to Madison with Jesse and Jon,

purchasing a jacket and sweater from H&M, eating pizza,

driving back, watching Jon play xbox, working, and now blogging.

cool flashylight hats.

www.flickr.com/photos/dearjaclyn

Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla

If I don't have who wrote it, I did.

---

Do my pores secrete only you?

And you, my thoughts, ever present in

Yet, I, for all sake, and forsaken membranes

Only push, pull, constrict, restrict

And pulsating your scent

Through all my body

Nerve endings failing

to detect anything but you

this chronic longing and all I need

Is your presence and loveliness

ever severing this cicatrix

toughened tissue

And you so sweet

My love, are

my heart, my lungs

and beating, breathing,

the reason is you

My existence is you

All I can do lately is long for spring.

When I can be comfortable outside, and take pictures of pretty people.

These really must be viewed larger:

Part of me wants to be the confident and move forward with all the gusto possible and part of me is terrified of being stupid.

I'm the girl who says "If you're having second thoughts then you shouldn't even be together," or "If you need to take a break you might as well call it quits, you can't 'take breaks' when you're married nor should you want to." I've never said this right off the bat to someone who was actually having relationship problems, as that decision should be left up to them and their beliefs their own, but I've thought it, every single time.

And now, when is it time to call it quits and when is it time to stick with it? Relationships have their ups and downs, you go through dry spells, you drive each other completely up the wall... But do you? I mean, when you find that someone, do they really drive you up the wall? Or is it possible to find someone who you're just so in sync with it's surreal. I don't know, but I'm dying to. When do you settle and when do you not?

I want to talk to older people, people who have experience under their belt. But the results of that could be tainted with the bitterness and/or tiredness of old age and consequently biased and unrealistic or too realistic. Or they could be tinged with the peacefulness and wisdom of old age, but who knows what you'd be getting? Is it possible to be too wise? Too wise to the point where you shrug everything off as unnecessary? Because really, everything is unnecessary. But when do you draw the line? Aren't you supposed to be foolish sometimes? Go with your gut? Feel? But when do you cut the stupidity and realize, "Wow, this isn't working out the way I'd like it to"? When do you accept that nothing will work out exactly the way you want it to? But when do you accept mediocrity? What is mediocrity, really? This is life we're dealing with, nothing's going to be perfect. But then you see those couples that are just so seemingly ideal for each other, and that's what you want, but what do they go home to at night? You don't know, I don't know. No one really knows except for the two and maybe they're ideal for each other but have their shortcomings and clashes. Maybe that's part of being ideal for each other, to disagree. Maybe it keeps both parties in line. Maybe it hinders them.

I'm an idealist. I refuse to settle for less than what I've concocted in my mind.

I'm also a realist. To the point where I take every thing that has happened to me thus far and mesh it into every thing that will happen to me in the future. This is where I slip up.

I can't get it into my head that things will continue. I'll slink away from everything in fear. But I am so terrified of ending up some place I don't want to be. I don't want to be "stuck," like so many feel they are. I firmly believe that you always have a choice. Perhaps it's not the easiest one, but it's always there. But there also comes a point where you simply do not have a choice. You can't choose whether you leave or follow a different path. But I suppose there are several different routes inside each path, little decisions inside each choice. If the two people are really, truly trying, it will flourish. You can make it work, but should you have to make it? Or should it just, work?

What am I concocting now? Things get messy, like this.

If my thinking is right I'd like to continue. If my thinking is wrong I'd like to stop.

I just don't know what's the truth.

I want a different season now.

I'm ready for color again.

I'm washing my hands again this formaldehyde smell is unbearable.

Sick day, after band and anatomy.

Initially I thought I wouldn't be able to handle dissecting a cat. Not because I think it's "gross," but because it's really, really sad. All those dead cats in plastic bags. It's sad, I cried at first.

Perhaps that makes me overly sensitive, I know it. I'm a sentimental girl, I empathize.

When I was little I'd feel horrible when I thought about getting rid of a toy.

Then toy story probably didn't help at all.

Still, I can't push myself to get rid of my teddy bears. So they're in a corner under my bedside table in a basket. One of them was my sister's. I'm allowed to keep that one. "Bunkie." I named my bear Bunkie first but then she wanted to also, because that's what little sisters do. Then I lost him at the mall and got a new one and named him Bunkie II.

Sooo many prints to scan.

http://flickr.com/photos/dearjaclyn/

Film, you complete me.

It took months before any fragment of sense passed through my skull, and by this time I had finally gone through something insincere and trivial but necessary. It was something I had succeeded in avoiding for years but the failure was in avoiding it successfully. And since I had lost my appetite and my sleep I could then proceed to nourish myself more fully and sleep sounder and be completely aware of it. And this, I think, is a beautiful thing. A most beautiful thing, in fact, for what is taste if you do not savor, what is life if you do not live? I refuse to see without color.

And so, in these months in between, what conspired in your mind? From your words I can conclude you remained stationary, maintaining only the appearance of movement. But one can pretend for only so long and such was the case for us both. I on the other hand threw pieces of myself in all directions, some of which began to grow but refused to take root perhaps being because one cannot have two places of root unless it is an ivy or a moss but even then an ivy or a moss has only one true root. I however am neither an ivy nor a moss, I am a tree (what kind of tree I do not know but that is of no importance, really). I am a tree and you are a tree. We are a tree and our roots are deep and this is why I could not take root anywhere else.

help? vote for my photo in the black and white campaign, you can find my current campaigns on the right hand side of the page.

http://www.brickfish.com/dearallie

I realize that a pointed blog post will never be a reality for me.

I will never have only one point. Oh, yes I will.

Pish posh.




I am the king of "trying to get to bed early" and staying up too late on the computer. Granted, it's only a little past 11:00, but I need an occassional 8 hour nap and right now, it's looking like I'll get around 6 1/2. I enjoy my additional hour and a half of dreaming.

Everyone just seems so sad.



Thoreau. A man I would have loved to get to know.
"Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, Simplify."

wishy washy wishy washy

Are you still all bandgeeky? No. Why? Because band season's over.

Decisions and Excitements

1. Staying in town, attending the UW next year.


1. Bandfest in a month
2. Getting my own laptop upon graduation.
3. Graduating.
4. Summer summer summer
5. Actually learning next year

I have so many pictures to edit and prints to scan, but our computer is being rebuilt at the moment. And of course, after being told to back everything up to the external hardrive (E:), I back it up to (C:). Ahhh haha. Oh well. This is where I am ecstatic that websites exist, where I can recover my photos, however smaller.

Today it was watery and sunny and warm and lovely.
I want the water to move all the time:

First post of yet another new blog. I gotta start sticking to one site.

fajlsdkfaj