Things do not pass for what they are, but for what they seem.
Most things are judged by their jackets.

-Baltasar Gracian

I photograph, I document. I wish to document much more that I have in the past. Nostalgia is something I enjoy very much. But when I look back on old photos, I'm always disappointed. There are tons of friends, family, people I hardly even know (yet I get all nostalgic thinking about..) and yet, photos that include myself are sparse. This is mainly because I'm the one taking the pictures, but it's also because I can become uncomfortable in front of a camera as opposed to behind it. Behind a camera is my comfort zone, but in front I feel analyzed. I wish I were as comfortable in front, but I'm not. Nevertheless I love it when people take my picture, because there's always the chance that it will turn out, and be our token photograph of "that one time when..." and we'll smile and reminisce. But this is rarely the case, and I wish for this to change. So I beg of you, if we hang out, I undoubtedly will have my camera out and most likely taking pictures at some point, so when I set it down, take it up, let it be YOUR turn to take a few pictures. But don't make it all awkward when you do, please. But do, do just snap away, don't even think about it. I wholly adore candidness. I will be so grateful that you did.

My day consisted of driving to Madison with Jesse and Jon,

purchasing a jacket and sweater from H&M, eating pizza,

driving back, watching Jon play xbox, working, and now blogging.

cool flashylight hats.

www.flickr.com/photos/dearjaclyn

Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla

If I don't have who wrote it, I did.

---

Do my pores secrete only you?

And you, my thoughts, ever present in

Yet, I, for all sake, and forsaken membranes

Only push, pull, constrict, restrict

And pulsating your scent

Through all my body

Nerve endings failing

to detect anything but you

this chronic longing and all I need

Is your presence and loveliness

ever severing this cicatrix

toughened tissue

And you so sweet

My love, are

my heart, my lungs

and beating, breathing,

the reason is you

My existence is you

All I can do lately is long for spring.

When I can be comfortable outside, and take pictures of pretty people.

These really must be viewed larger:

Part of me wants to be the confident and move forward with all the gusto possible and part of me is terrified of being stupid.

I'm the girl who says "If you're having second thoughts then you shouldn't even be together," or "If you need to take a break you might as well call it quits, you can't 'take breaks' when you're married nor should you want to." I've never said this right off the bat to someone who was actually having relationship problems, as that decision should be left up to them and their beliefs their own, but I've thought it, every single time.

And now, when is it time to call it quits and when is it time to stick with it? Relationships have their ups and downs, you go through dry spells, you drive each other completely up the wall... But do you? I mean, when you find that someone, do they really drive you up the wall? Or is it possible to find someone who you're just so in sync with it's surreal. I don't know, but I'm dying to. When do you settle and when do you not?

I want to talk to older people, people who have experience under their belt. But the results of that could be tainted with the bitterness and/or tiredness of old age and consequently biased and unrealistic or too realistic. Or they could be tinged with the peacefulness and wisdom of old age, but who knows what you'd be getting? Is it possible to be too wise? Too wise to the point where you shrug everything off as unnecessary? Because really, everything is unnecessary. But when do you draw the line? Aren't you supposed to be foolish sometimes? Go with your gut? Feel? But when do you cut the stupidity and realize, "Wow, this isn't working out the way I'd like it to"? When do you accept that nothing will work out exactly the way you want it to? But when do you accept mediocrity? What is mediocrity, really? This is life we're dealing with, nothing's going to be perfect. But then you see those couples that are just so seemingly ideal for each other, and that's what you want, but what do they go home to at night? You don't know, I don't know. No one really knows except for the two and maybe they're ideal for each other but have their shortcomings and clashes. Maybe that's part of being ideal for each other, to disagree. Maybe it keeps both parties in line. Maybe it hinders them.

I'm an idealist. I refuse to settle for less than what I've concocted in my mind.

I'm also a realist. To the point where I take every thing that has happened to me thus far and mesh it into every thing that will happen to me in the future. This is where I slip up.

I can't get it into my head that things will continue. I'll slink away from everything in fear. But I am so terrified of ending up some place I don't want to be. I don't want to be "stuck," like so many feel they are. I firmly believe that you always have a choice. Perhaps it's not the easiest one, but it's always there. But there also comes a point where you simply do not have a choice. You can't choose whether you leave or follow a different path. But I suppose there are several different routes inside each path, little decisions inside each choice. If the two people are really, truly trying, it will flourish. You can make it work, but should you have to make it? Or should it just, work?

What am I concocting now? Things get messy, like this.

If my thinking is right I'd like to continue. If my thinking is wrong I'd like to stop.

I just don't know what's the truth.